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Discussion Starter · #1 · (Edited)

Full story:

  • Breaking News!
Travis has not been siting around playing Floppy Bird and Nintendo Wii, he has crafted his next move in epic fashion.

Former CEO Travis Kalanick sold his remaining shares valued at $2.5 billion and rebought enough shares to retake control of Uber and sent a letter to the board informing them they've all been fired!

Travis has also informed programmers he intends to remove tipping option for drivers and implementing a min 98% acceptance rate or termination push notification will appear on the drivers side app and you will no longer be able to log on.

He also intends a requirement that all UberBlack drivers must accept UberX requests including UberSUV.

Drivers will also be terminated for filing a complaint against riders for various reasons including being excessively late or body oder.
Drivers will also start seeing 30+ minute requests distances. The app will automatically start accepting trips. Two cancellations within a 48 hour period will result in a ban.

Drivers will also be required to help with clients needs while on trips including loading and unloading packages, groceries, kids, firearms, and drugs & drug paraphernalia.

Children without car seats are now allowed to sit on laps and pets are allowed to take over the drivers seat if vehicle has auto-pilot mode.

Insurance deductible has gone up to $3,800 per accidnet claim and all drivers are required to pass heartbeat doctor examination. Drivers without heartbeats will still be able to drive with a doctors note.

Drivers with extensive criminal background history may apply to the espionage division.

Stay tuned as this is breaking news. Please add anything new to this developing news story;)
 

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You can't sell your shares to buy more!

I didn't even make it halfway through the article....
 
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Wow, I got almost all the way through this without realizing what day this is. You got me for a second and oh boy I'm glad this isn't true, lol! #goodone
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
Exactly.

Now if you had said that Travis had impregnated that whistle blower in a drunken ****-rape, THAT I would believe!
Make it yours and most of you are pretty uptight over April fools joke. Maybe quit this gig? Yeah you should. Btw I didn't see any of you do one so yeah, jel maybe? Yeah me thinks so
 

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You can't sell your shares to buy more!

I didn't even make it halfway through the article....
You can't go into countries and operate illegally either. you can't operate autonomous cars without a permit. You can't steal blueprints from other companies but hey it's Travis. He does for some reason seem to get away with things
 
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