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Self-Driving Uber Cited for DUI, Reckless Endangerment
The 1998 PT Cruiser had a BAC of .17, more than twice the legal limit!

Dealing a serious blow to Uber's autonomous vehicle program, early Saturday morning at approximately 1:35 a.m., SFPD engaged in a 20-minute pursuit of a rogue driver-less car that fled the intersection of 15th and Valencia in reverse gear, headed the wrong way down a one-way arterial. It required four police cars to subdue the renegade, aubergine-with-wood-paneling 1998 PT Cruiser, which ran 12 red lights at approximately 40 miles per hour and wove across multiple lanes of traffic while blasting a "Dad Rock" Spotify playlist before hitting a curb and flipping upside down outside the Taqueria Cancun near Market and Sixth streets.

Lt. Aloysius FitzMaurice said it appeared the upended concept car was attempting to lurch toward the taqueria, its engine revving and wheels spinning "as if in a vain, desperate attempt to score an order of super nachos before the eatery shuttered for the evening."

FitzMaurice also cited a cyclist who swerved out of the path of the Uber and into a "red carpet" bus lane.

The self-driving car was found to have a blood-ethanol content of 0.17, more than twice the legal limit of 0.08. After the vehicle attempted to give a zero-star rating to a Breathalyzer, officers discovered a open bottle of Valvoline Premium Antifreeze in the glove compartment that had been filled with a mixture of Red Bull and Fireball, some of which may have seeped into the car's circuitry, overriding the software.

Upon leaving a late-night grill sesh AngelHack founder Greg Gopman, Uber CEO Travis Kalanick was unable to comment, as he was halfway through a epithet-filled backseat diatribe against one of Uber's human drivers, whom he referred to as an "suboptimal, carbon-based anachronism" who's "totally ****ed after the next fiscal, brah."

Happy April Fool's Day!


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