FOR SALE, LIMITED TIME ONLY! AUTHENTIC SERVICE ANIMAL VESTS, FOR SALE!!

Attention Uber and Lyft passengers! For a limited time, we now have Service Animal vests for sale! These vests are either hand made or machine made by fine women and children in SE Asia and/or the Middle East. They will clearly identify your Emotional Support Animal as a Service Animal to anyone uneducated enough to believe that a vest is proof. Fool high class people in restaurants, grocery stores, coffee shops, bathrooms, airlines, and Uber rides! When an Uber driver looks at your dog with an angry face, you can smile and say "This is my Service Animal!" and they will have to believe you because the dog is wearing one of our Service Vests.

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This is a picture of an ESA wearing one of our Service Vests. But you would never know it is an Emotional Support Animal! When your animal is wearing one of our Service Vests, no one can tell the difference! We have Service Vests for all sizes of dogs, cats, lizards, birds, alligators, donkeys and goldfish.

But wait, there's more! If you call today, in addition to the Service Vest, we will throw in, absolutely free of charge, our handy guide which gives you brilliant answers and phrases you can memorize, so if a more enlightened individual asks you the "two questions" then you will know the answers! Don't know the "two questions"? YOU NEED THIS GUIDE!!! We give you these, and much more. You will no longer be intimidated or tongue-tied when a driver asks you these 'Uber'-challenging questions or says things to you like this:
  • Is that a Service Animal?
  • I am allergic to flea collars.
  • Does that thing bite?
  • Can your dog wait here on the sidewalk until you get back?
  • Your animal needs to ride in the trunk.
  • Does your cat have a car seat?
  • Can you make it stop looking at me?
We have had tremendous response to this offer in 17 countries, and we are bringing it to YOU in the USA at a super-low promotional price of only $249.99. Yes, that's right, for under $250 you can take advantage of this tremendous offer! Don't delay, act now!!

Click HERE to order. Don't wait! If you order 4 or more vests we will throw in free shipping, a $100 value!

Meanwhile, at Uber HQ, in the Marketing Department…..

The scene: The Uber Marketing team is busy creating the latest photo that will accompany a mass email which goes out to drivers and potential drivers in North America. People are frantically scurrying about trying to get the details right for this photo shoot. The setting is the interior of a vehicle, with a driver and a passenger who both feel terrific about how wonderful their lives are while they are being touched by Uber. The passenger is supposed to be happy that they have a somewhat 'normal' driver, and the driver is supposed to be happy that he has a job. Let's take a closer look at what's going on behind the scenes, shall we?
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Boss: Okay people, let's get this moving, we are way behind schedule today. I want everything to be perfect!

Secretary: Do you want them wearing collared shirts or T shirts, boss?

Boss: We want these actors looking professional. But not too professional. Have them both wear button up shirts. And the passenger wears a sports coat. But no tie.

Secretary: What about jewelry?

Boss: No jewelry! No piercings, no nose rings, no ear loops, nothing.

Secretary: How about a wedding ring? It would show stability. Drivers being married tested well with passenger focus groups as a strong point for perceived driver safety.

Boss: I said no jewelry. Only women are allowed to wear jewelry in commercials. Everyone knows that! We don't want to take a chance and offend some whacko group out there. Just don't show anyone's left hand, that way it leaves everyone guessing.

Camera person: Boss, you sure you don't want one of them wearing a tie? The professional look is in these days.

Boss: No tie. Drivers don't wear ties. This is aimed at drivers, so let's keep it casual dress. But not too casual. Have both of them button up that button by their neckline. No chest hair showing.

Camera person: Yes boss. What about the zoom and focus?

Boss: Focus on the driver. The passenger, I don't care as much. This is all about the driver. (clears throat) LISTEN UP, PEOPLE! This shoot is targeted at the driver! We want DRIVERS to see this and feel good about what they are doing. We want them to feel positive about going out and driving every day for nickels and dimes. So everything about this needs to be perfect. And we want it generic! We want the average person to be able to see themselves in the driver's seat. So no jewelry, no tattoos, no nothing. Generic, got it! Where is make-up … someone get make-up here and fix that blemish on the driver's cheek.

Marketing Specialist: Hey boss, when the passenger is blurry, he looks kind of like Dara from a distance.

Boss: No he doesn't. So what?

Marketing Specialist: How come the passenger isn't buckled up?

Boss: Who gives a crap?

Marketing Specialist: Well, Dara said that his rating is low because he doesn't buckle up as a passenger. Doesn't this send the wrong message? We got this guy who kind of looks like Dara, and he's not buckled up.

Boss: Look, you moron … this is for the DRIVER, we don't care if the passenger is buckled up or not, get it?

Marketing Specialist: But boss, Dara said that drivers gave him a bad rating because he doesn't buckle up. Doesn't that annoy drivers? This shoot is for the drivers, right?

Boss: (deep breath) Dara was LYING when he said that. He only said that to send a message to the general public that THEY should wear seat belts. Dara is too rich to take Ubers. He has a private driver everywhere he goes, get it? As long as the driver is wearing one, no one cares. Understand?

Marketing Specialist: Another thing, boss …. we've got the passenger sitting right behind the driver. Drivers say they really hate that. Why don't we have the passenger sitting on the other side?

Boss: (Grrrrrr) It's a minivan! And how do you know there isn't someone there on the other side already and we just didn't put them in the picture?

Marketing Specialist: Are you kidding? It's an ad, if there was someone sitting there, why WOULDN'T we put them in the picture? For crying out loud, if you want to disrespect the drivers, why don't we just put a kid back there jumping up and down, with a taco in one hand and a beer in the other? Drivers everywhere say they don't like it when a single rider sits right behind them, especially a male rider!

Boss: Listen…

Marketing Specialist: And another thing, why does the driver have his hands on 10 and 2? Nobody drives like that anymore. You want drivers to be able to relate to this scene? Have the guy drive with his left arm slumped over the wheel and his right hand touching something on his cell phone, or maybe adjusting his crotch.

Boss: For the last time, it's just a friggin' ad! Details don't matter! No one is going to care! Now get outta my face! You're FIRED!

< 30 seconds later make-up shows up. >

Make-up: Yes boss?

Boss: Listen, fix that pimple on the driver's face. Tell wardrobe I want the driver to have a different shirt. Make it some kind of soft earth tone. Blue, maybe. And I don't like his hair parted in the middle. Redo his whole hair, put the part on the side. And tell them both to smile bigger, I wanna see teeth. Every detail has to be perfect! You hear me? EVERY SINGLE DETAIL!!

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Months later they decided to do another one. Note the remarkable similarities: male driver age 25-40, with blue long sleeved collared shirt buttoned up right below the collar, hands on 10 and 2, everyone smiling like they just snorted drugs, pax not wearing seat belt, pax sitting right behind driver, female pax has a simple ring but otherwise no one has any jewelry. Amazing coincidences, right?

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And then there was Lyft&#8230;

If Uber can get away with blatant lies and manipulation, why can't Lyft? Check out this ad below, claiming that anyone/everyone can make $35/hr. Note that it doesn't say "up to $35/hr" it simply says that you WILL make $35/hour. And the ad doesn't mention anything about costs that come from that $35, like Lyft's hefty share, or gasoline, or anything else.

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To add insult to injury, the ad shows a cute young woman as the potential driver. Experienced drivers know that the likelihood of making anything close to $35/hour is highest if a person drives the late evening (drunk) hours. 99% of cute young women don't like to drive those hours, for some strange reason. So, the chances of this specific individual making $35/hour is pretty slim, at best. Especially if the market is one where Prime Time has turned into Flat Dollar. Hmmmm&#8230;.

Moving on&#8230;

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PIC?

I will show you a picture, and you select what is wrong from the choices below. Sound like fun? Here we go. This particular pic was published in Geekwire, supposedly showing an actual Uber driver from the Seattle market who just arrived to pick up their passenger.

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What is wrong with this picture? Check all that apply.
  • Driver is waaaaaay overdressed.
  • Cell phone is mounted on the far right side of the car, out of reach of driver.
  • There is no signage letting people know they are being audio recorded, illegal in the state of WA.
  • Driver not wearing seatbelt, also illegal in WA.
  • High end car driving X or Pool?
Okay, wait, hold on&#8230; You lost me after I saw the cell phone mounted way over there, definitely a staged photo. How can you stage a photo in Seattle and not show the Space Needle? Frickin' amateurs! What was the question again? Next!

And now, for something different

An Uber passenger gets a text message from their friend:

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