A message from your CEO, Travis Kalanick

Greetings gutter dwellers!

Here I am the greatest business mind of a generation, the man who changed the world for the better, a modest man, with visions of greatness for all my beloved “partners” (that’s you), that’s right, yours truly, Travis Kalanick, CEO of Uber.

Just thought I needed to take a minute and deflect some of this shade Big Trav has been catching lately. Appearantly those parties on Jeffrey Epsteins island, where I bathe in the blood of sacrificial Russian virgins with Bill Clinton, Richard Branson, Vlad Putin, and Donald Trump have clouded my judgement. I mean, who can remember to offer Moloch a daily human sacrifice while running the world’s greatest ride share service.

Between the mass deletions of our app from peoples phones, to todays video release of mine failed efforts at employee outreach, not to mention the countless losses in court, its time we time clear the air.

Listen, Im just here to remind you of the amazing opportunity I have created for you here at Uber. I didn’t tell you to get a degree in animal husbandry; it wasn’t Big Trav who told you to take 11 hits of LSD in high school and turn yourself into an acid trip casualty; its not Big Trav who gave you that $300 a day Oxycontin habit; it wasn’t Big Trav who told you it’d be a good idea to let your wife give “massages” on Craigslist; it wasn’t Big Trav who told you to open a Jewish deli in Perry, FL.

Here I am letting you be your own boss, make your own hours, rapidly depreciate your vehicle and I have to offer explanations as to the who, what, when, where. Take some responsibility for the poor decision making that culminated in your becoming an Uber driver.

But I regress.

Listen, the gag just fell out of the hookers mouth I have hidden in the closet at my penthouse, and she’s loud…… so I gotta go, but its been real.

Guys, great things can happen if you just turn on that app…

Uber on suckers!